Thank you for taking the time to visit! In light of these trying financial times, The Universe has been very busy processing requests. It has come to our attention that, for one reason or another, many of your requests have fallen through the cracks. In the interest of better serving you lowly mortal creatures, we have suspended operation of our Ask The Universe hotline, and initiated this brand spanking new website.
We expect this new platform to be far more efficient in the long run. However, we recently became aware that all requests made prior to this change, have been lost or otherwise nullified. We encourage you, at this time, to re-submit previously unanswered requests via the Ask Now link, below. Thanks for visiting, and come back any time!
1) Before submitting your request, you should get comfy. Put on some loose fitting clothes, and maybe some relaxing music.
2) Know exactly what you want. Picture it in your mind. We can hardly be held responsible for your indecision, and waffling now, can we?
3) Pay close attention to how you phrase your request. The Universe is often training new request answering recruits. These people make minimum wage, and are often not the brightest stars in the galaxy.
4) When you are absolutely certain that you're ready, submit your request by clicking the Ask Now link, below. Your request will be registered, evaluated for importance and relevance, and assigned a position in the queue.
5) Believe that the object of your desire is on its way. This is kind of a big one. If you don't believe it, it probably won't happen.
Note: An agent of The Universe will deliver the object of your desire between 10:00 AM and 5:00 PM on the third Tuesday of the fourth month following your request submission. The Universe is not responsible for lost or stolen objects of desire due to bad karma, dogma, rogue agents of The Universe etc.
The Universe is more than capable of gleaning the nature of your request by extracting it directly from your inferior human brain. The same is true of your bank account numbers, credit card info etc.
The low price for each request is USD $4.99. In the event that your request in not recognized by our new system, you may be given the opportunity to re-submit the request, via the Ask Again link. If this occurs, it is probably your own fault. You should have been more specific in your request. But we are a generous and forgiving Universe, and will make the Ask Again feature available for the discounted rate of USD $4.95.
You may make as many requests as you like, but we will only reply to one request per click of the Ask Now link. Subsequent requests must be submitted separately.